Fear is supposed to be an emotional reaction to a dangerous situation. It is the prompt that makes us run or fight back when faced with some deadly force. In that respect, it’s a good thing and we all need it. Fear can also be a very ugly thing, taking on a life of its own, disrupting and distorting reality around us. Once this happens, anxiety begins to take over with an accompanying paranoia. We’re not sure whether our feelings are based in reality or in a foggy past from which we’re unable to escape. The uncertainty is what debilitates me. I don’t know whether I’m dealing with reality or my own distorted perceptions.
Reality is: I’ve been in a training class for the past week, trying desperately to absorb a lot of information, most of it technical. If I don’t learn the information, I won’t be offered a job. The job isn’t that great; the pay is lousy, the hours are lousy, but there are two upside that make the rest of it tolerable. The job offers all the benefits and allows me to work from the comfort of my own home.
The work-from-home feature is what drew me to apply for the job. PTSD has left me with a bit of a reputation for insubordination, flying off the handle at supervisors and bosses. Working from home, I can rant and rave all I want; pushing the “mute” button eliminates insubordination since no supervisor will hear me. If the conscious brain takes off however, it remains to be seen whether what is left behind in my conscious world will remember to mute the phone.
In any case, I’m struggling with this class. Technical information has not been a problem for me in past years. I left college with an Associate degree in computer programming and a 3.98 GPA. Initially, I would leave classes with my brain feeling like mush, coming away from every lecture clear as mud! Within a few weeks however, the proverbial light went on and everything I’d been absorbing fell into place. Now, I read the lessons, take notes and absorb what I can, waiting for the light to come on. This training class is only two weeks long; I don’t have time to wait much longer for that damned light!
Consequently, fear has been creeping, building. Once it starts, without physical proof to contradict the reasons behind it, it grows. I don’t know if it’s a rational fear because I’m not learning the material as quickly as I think I should or whether I’m learning just as quickly as others but my perceptions of self are so low, I can’t see it. In which case, the fear is irrational and bogus! Unfortunately, the bogus fear escalates, taking over reality. Where there should be concentration and focus, the irrational fear rolls in like a fog, clouding all the senses and consequently all perception. On its coattails are paranoia and escapism.
I’ve learned about this type of fear in past therapy sessions and with PTSD, it comes and goes. My problem is that I don’t always know whether I really have something to fear and need to change my course to avoid bad consequences, or whether the fear is the bogus kind and changing course would be more detrimental. It’s like seeing a tiger and not being able to determine if the tiger is real. Do I need to run, to get away and escape its clutches? Or is it just a very real image, where running will cause me to miss the beauty of the animal the photographer captured with his camera lens? I haven’t learned how to distinguish the irrational fear from the rational.
Boy…a single-word trigger! The word “escapism” just brought an onslaught of images! Escapism: from the word “escape”: a noun or verb – wonderful and soothing – an escape to paradise, vacation escape. It can also be something terrifying: hiding under the bed to escape. Interesting….
But I digress. This whole thing presents an interesting dichotomy. I have to learn the material to get the job to get the benefits to get back into therapy. My own irrational fear may be prevent me from learning the material, eliminating the possibility of being hired, in which case I won’t have any benefits to get back into therapy to deal with the irrational fears that are screwing with me!
Damn…it would be so much simpler, so much easier and so much more comforting to just go curl up under the covers. But then that’s a symptom of depression!
“My problem is that I don’t always know whether I really have something to fear and need to change my course to avoid bad consequences, or whether the fear is the bogus kind and changing course would be more detrimental. It’s like seeing a tiger and not being able to determine if the tiger is real.”
I would like to ask, “has the tiger ever been real?” and if so, why would you automatically assume that it means to devour you? I think fear IS the tiger, the enemy, the means by which we’re held back! You can do this!
Comment by altonwoods — December 11, 2009 @ 10:44 am |
I appreciate your input Boogers, although it sounds like you read only the excerpt. Had you read the full post, and previous posts beginning with “PTSD”, you’d know the tiger has been real and did at one time devour me.
Comment by laurapenpusher — December 11, 2009 @ 11:19 am |
Re altonwoods: Perhaps it’s not my place to say it but I feel the need to contribute just a thought or two via “I would like to ask, “has the tiger ever been real?” and if so, why would you automatically assume that it means to devour you? I think fear IS the tiger, the enemy, the means by which we’re held back! You can do this!”"
PTSD, in it’s very namesake, is caused by trauma- thus the tiger was very real at one point in time. Without the tiger there’s no trauma. It’s not necessarily that she’s assuming that every tiger she sees is going to devour her, it’s that because of the trauma in the past her mind and body are constantly tuned into that fear. Each time she has a trigger, or as the metaphor goes- sees a tiger- she can’t help the reactions.
If you are falling your instinct is to reach out and steady yourself. The logic of the mind and self preservation demands that you do this.
For those of us with PTSD, our logic is a bit hair triggered. If we’re given any indication that we’re falling we instinctively take preventive actions to stop what hurt us in the past from hurting us again. To digress, she’s not assuming the tiger will eat her necessarily, it’s just a response- like a flinch.
This doesn’t mean it can’t be overcome. I can- but mind over matter isn’t going to do the trick alone (though I do wish). I tell myself all the time things aren’t real- because I know they aren’t but it still doesn’t stop my heart from beating out of my chest. It’s my body’s reaction to over sensitized stress receptors in the brain.
(sorry this comment was so long, it’s just a thought or two)
Comment by Spirit — December 12, 2009 @ 1:08 am |
I’m sure you’ve heard the expression “Perception is reality” The tiger is as real as we perceive him to be!
Comment by altonwoods — December 11, 2009 @ 2:35 pm |
I knew I should have checked back here sooner, it seems I’ve some reading to catch up on.
I’m so happy to see you keeping with it no matter how troublesome those tricky little words may be at times.
“The uncertainty is what debilitates me.” Same here. If the fear alone isn’t bad enough the not knowing if that fear is real or not definitely is. For me it’s like walking over a walk covered with holes- I know most of them aren’t real… but which ones are? And it never helps that the non-real ones are so similar to the ones that can hurt me.
I wish you the best, dearie. It sounds like you’re stuck between a rock and a hard place via the job/classes thing. Just keep reminding yourself that the end result will make it worth it. With the benefits and thereby the therapy maybe you’ll eventually be able to handle a different/better job. Think of this one, with it’s poor hours and crap pay, as a temporary thing. It’s just a stepping stone you need to get yourself from one place to the other.
You
Comment by Spirit — December 12, 2009 @ 12:54 am |